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so,... that's what happen in my life [sigh!]
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cool!make sure you click "back" button coz i don't put link there to here. sorry :) office now [at the moment] some words save me?  ![This page is powered by [Kodja!]. Isn't yours?](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_tMRk3LBkQ38w18XGc1ygpUvN93UvWn61-woG6mCIuUckMRNkXhdZhR0qvEoFfw2KU_OfPPEBp7kTdY20vgt9XWG-S_ZVMbKnUpFtg1IZ_c=s0-d){kind=small}
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Wednesday, July 24, 2002
salvator, sabtu sore.. lonceng berdentang kamu, dengan rambut basahmu dengan kaos putihmu dengan celana belelmu dengan sandal kesayanganmu dengan wangi tubuhmu datang dan duduk di sampingku sore itu. dari semua tugasmu dari semua deritamu dari semua keluh kesahmu dari semua kawan baikmu dari semua orang yang bisa membuatmu tertawa kau datang dan memilih duduk di sampingku sore itu. aku: terdiam memandangmu memandang wajahmu memandang matamu yang terpejam memandang mungil bibir yang bergumam memandang tanganmu yang terkatup rapat dalam doa. aku terdiam memandangmu genta itu, debar itu, orang-orang itu, dalam khidmat, khusuk. aku tak pernah peduli. aku hanya diam menatapmu menatap bintang gemintang pada matamu menatap bukit lembut pada pipimu menatap kilau memukau pada rambutmu menatap padamu: malaikat yang datang menyentuhku. ketika semua usai, kau terdiam. duduk memandangku dan tersenyum. kadang kita akan hanya duduk lama dalam diam. kadang kita akan hanya saling memandang. atau terkadang kau genggam erat jemariku, atau terkadang kau bersandar pada bahuku. perlahan, kau berdiri tetap dengan jemariku dalam genggamanmu sehingga aku pun berdiri, dan kau bimbing aku menuju samping altar itu. berlutut. mata terkatup. lamat bibirmu mengucap kau bacakan aku: "salam maria, penuh rahmat..." aku pun: terdiam sekali lagi memandangmu sekali lagi memandang wajahmu sekali lagi memandang matamu yang terpejam sekali lagi memandang mungil bibir yang bergumam sekali lagi memandang tanganmu yang terkatup rapat dalam doa. aku terdiam sekali lagi memandangmu. ingin aku bersama bibir mungilmu mengucap ratusan kata itu. tetapi begitu tahunya kamu tentang aku: tidak semudah itu kata-kata tersebut keluar dari dalam hatiku. lalu setelah itu kita akan berjalan ke depan dengan sangat amat lambat. tanganmu masih menggenggam jemariku. langkah demi langkah tapak demi tapak sangat amat lambat. [dalam waktu itu aku bisa mencium wanginya rambutmu aku bisa meraba lembutnya kulitmu aku bisa merasa degup jantungmu] hatiku menjerit "jangan pergi" tetapi aku selalu tahu yang terjadi setelah itu. ... maka sekali lagi aku terdiam. ketika kamu berhenti sejenak ketika kamu menatapku ketika kamu menarikku mendekatimu ketika kamu memelukku ketika kamu mendekapku erat ketika dengan mencuri-curi sekilas kau cium aku pada pipiku. aku: terdiam. biasanya aku yang akan menggenggam tanganmu setelah itu. "mas, aku harus pulang" kamu usap pipiku kamu usap punggung tanganku kamu cium pada jemarinya "tequiero" katakan padaku, bagaimana aku tidak mencintaimu? dedicated to my last angel Tuesday, July 23, 2002
...sekali lagi tentang kemarin... kemarin ada banyak hal. kemarin ada banyak kejadian. kemarin ada banyak ... ga tau apa yang terjadi kemarin. mungkin sederhana, tapi mungkin terlalu rumit untuk diingat. tapi kalau bukan kemarin, lalu kapan lagi yang mesti diingat, dikenang, dibicarakan, bahkan kalau perlu dibingkai-emaskan menjadi sesuatu yang sangat berharga dan historikal? ya, segala yang dikenang memang dari "kemarin". mana mungkin kita mengenang "besok"? mana mungkin kita mengenang apa yang belum terjadi dan terlalui dalam hidup kita? mana mungkin? simple question. simple matter jadi, mari kita bicara tentang kemarin. mari kita bongkar tentang kemarin.. bukan sesuatu yang menyenangkan untuk diingat, sekaligus bukan sesuatu yang mudah untuk dilupakan gitu aja. tapi itu terjadi. dan begitulah itu terjadi. kemarin gue menemukan bahwa banyak hal terjadi di luar perkiraan gue. kemarin gue menemukan banyak hal yang bikin gue kaget, seneng, terkejut, sumringah, ceria, tertawa hahaha, sampai terjungkal dari tempat gue duduk saking jenakanya. tapi... kemarin juga gue menemukan banyak hal yang bikin gue tersedak, tergagap, terdiam, sekejap hilang, dan begitu menyakitkan... ...terlalu banyak, sampai gue harus berhenti sebentar dari kenyataan, masuk ke dalam bilik kecil gue yang nyaman demi sekedar menenangkan hati dan berharap bisa menghirup udara kembali untuk menyegarkan rongga paru yang tersedak setelah cukup lamanya molekul-molekul O2 itu tidak mengalir ke arah situ. gue masuk ke dalam diri gue. jadi gue ga bisa nulis dan nge-blog, ... [walaupun sebenernya juga banyak alasan lain kenapa sampai gue ga nge-blog lagi beberapa hari terakhir ini ... antara lain karena pyra sekarang banyakan begonya daripada pinternya ... hehehe. tapi, itu bukan urusan penting untuk sekarang. kita sedang membahas "kemarin"nya dunia gue] jadi kita bicara tentang kemarin, karena sekali lagi orang selalu mengenang segala hal tentang kemarin... tidak jadi... hehehe Wednesday, July 17, 2002
tentang kemarin what's so special about yesterday anyway, that i want to write about it in a very special way? dear ... aku telah menjadi kesepianmu kalau menyebabkan luka, aku telah menanggung lukamu. [kini, bolehkah aku menyepi?] malam ini, dengan wajah tertunduk, aku terduduk di depan monitor komputer... mataku tertutup, tanganku terkatup. hatiku berbisik. aku berdoa. untukmu... bisakah kamu menyimpannya untukmu saja? [terima kasih untuk pemberitahuanmu yang menyakitkan itu] but at least you tell me before anyone. thank you Wednesday, July 10, 2002
almost a poem letters paper doves with clipped wings one afternoon sometime after 2pm on another continent you will open the metal lid of a metal container and find a simple rectangle of folded paper secrets held in with a touch of glue until you tear a corner, and the tender heart spreads itself before you This is a miracle and god is the post man, the metal box, the airplane's hold, the breath that passes from one to another as the envelope is closed and as the envelope is opened it's been quite a day. assignments, projects, role-plays. nothing much to be added, nothing much to be counted. yes as i lay my back and turn to my side to sleep, i looked out the window, and saw the moon gazing back at me. it is beautiful. white, but not so white, brightly yellow, but not so bright. ah, it's almost 2:00 in the morning now because the moon reaches this side of the sky at these times and i haven't taken any shut-eye yet. the moon. it continued to shine down across the sleeping world it struck something deep and well-treasured inside of me. something i was missing so much already. i realized, longing for it constantly became a part of me, filling a gap that could only radiate into sadness. water suddenly plopped out of my eyes. i tried to stop thinking. i can't cry before going to sleep. they say people who do get nightmares. well, what the heck. this is the best way i know i can dreamily tuck myself to sleep. life does give it's twists and turns to everyone, at any age. i've seen this already before. to many people, and to myself. there's no excuse for it. i wouldn't say i'm a victim or anything. i don't mean that i'm not happy about where i am today. there's just this part of me that clings to my... past. to my chilhood. where no problems exist, no identity crisis, no doubts, no nothing. just carefree living in those days. i never even thought it would come to this, that it will just all end. just that. come to think of it, i'm here in this land, not foreign to me anymore because of the two months i already spent with it. i've already grown to accept it, with all the people in it. but then again, i see my old town, with all my friends. when we climbed up trees and played "it". when we ran all around the village doing the "tag". when the world was swept in a blackout and dark, freaky stories were told. there were also crushes and cries. the simple past that could never be forgotten, never be replaced. ah, now i know what to do. i'll close my eyes and dream of everything that i have. my precious memories will take me away from here, and i will drift along the skies of my dreams. yes, that's what i'll do. slip away... from here. sleep... 3 in the morning, and i can't even get to sleep... Tuesday, July 09, 2002
gileeee... gue pikir ini cuma nick name doank yang ga ada artinya apapun... tapi ternyata... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Important: Dear Kodja: The following analysis describes a few qualities of your first name. There are many additional factors (legal name, nicknames, family surname, combined names, previous names, and business signature) that contribute to your entire personality - and your entire life. Order a Name Report for a full analysis. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Kodja -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The name of Kodja has given you sensitivity and appreciation for the finer and deeper things in life. You can enjoy reading, study, and contemplation about many different subjects. When your interests or curiosity are aroused, you work intensely at new undertakings, but your interests often wane when you encounter drudgery and monotony, with the result that you leave many things unfinished. Your name has taken you into many bitter experiences. The greatest lack in your life is stability and peace of mind. A peaceful and quiet environment, especially out in nature, is one of your greatest desires, but you are constantly taken into chaotic conditions. Because you have high ideals and are a principled person, you have been disillusioned and disappointed in people on many occasions and have experienced much aloneness. You are fond of outdoor sports, where you can find an outlet for your nervous energy. Impulsiveness could bring frequent accidents and unfortunate happenings into your life. You do not like to be restricted or to have your freedom curtailed in any way. You find it difficult to control your thoughts and could swing in moods from one extreme to the other. Your speech can become very critical and sarcastic when you are frustrated or crossed. This name creates a weakness in the heart, lungs, and bronchial organs, and could cause heart trouble, pneumonia, asthma, or tuberculosis. It also creates tension in the nervous system, particularly the solar plexus and stomach, causing nervous indigestion and relative conditions. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Monday, July 08, 2002
About life's unfairness... to dear ... i can't tell ... This has been a recurring theme in the last few weeks, and I figured I had to talk about it here as well. Because somehow I think I'm actually trying to make people think once in a while. So. How many times do you look at someone else's life and sigh because they have it so much easier than you do ? This is not a rhetorical question. Do wonder. I mean all the time you're struggling to achieve something that you know you won't, others are just going with the flow and seeing everything falling into place. Really. I know I'm exaggerating, but this is on purpose. It's a comparison. I mean some people really do get it easy. Sometimes it frustrates me that they don't see it - even more often, it frustrates me that they don't get it. Some people have it easy, and you might think "well the day is gonna come and..." but what do you know? Some people have got things to learn. And you see it. They don't. And their friends have to push them and tell them what to do and eventually do everything for them - and first thing you know, is that it's how it's gonna be for the rest of their life, they're always gonna have it easy, they'll never realize it, and all the while, you'll be struggling your way around things. The biggest problem of some people is that they have allergies. It's so not fair, and it shouldn't be that way. Some people get more than their share of hard and complicated stuff. And it's not fair! It's not fair! They say we're all given an equal chance when we're born into this world - crap! We're not! We should though, it'd be awesome if we were, but when two people are just born and one has allergies to pollen and the other has some chemical unbalance that screws their mental health - it's not fair. I just think of it, and I'd scream. jeezz.. sorry gue seneng. hari ini gue lagi "agak lumayan". knapa? sampai beberapa hari yang lalu, gue berpikir bahwa satu kawan gue ini "menghilang" dari kehidupan gue. gue berpikir bahwa dia "sengaja menghilang". sengaja menciptakan sesuatu yang kemudian ditinggalin begitu aja sehingga orang lain yang pernah tau itu menjadi ga ngerti kenapa dia ninggalin itu begitu aja. at least i feel that way... gue cape berharap bahwa dia akan kembali melakukan hal-hal yang dulu dilakukannya. gue nyerah dengan harapan-harapan itu, kerna gue keabisan alasan yang membenarkan dia melakukan itu: mengabaikan apa yang dia kasi tau ke gue. gue memulai harapan gue dengan lembaran-lembaran yang baru: mungkin ada yang lebih asyik? ...ternyata sih ngga. gue tetap nemuin bahwa apa yang dia kerjakan lebih ato bahkan paling menarik di antara hal-hal lain yang gue temuin selama gue "mencoba melupakan dia dan memaklumi kehilangannya"... tapi ternyata... hari ini, gue "menemukan" dia lagi!! gila, gue seneng bener. tapi kodja yang ini selalu menyembunyikan segala sesuatu dengan rapatnya, sehingga ketika dia bertemu dengan orang tersebut, dia hanya terdiam dan menuliskan beberapa patah kata. tidak sapa hangat. tidak sebuah tanya apa kabar. apalagi sebuah senyum. kodja yang ini hanya menulis serangkaian kata, ...menjadi tanpa makna. tapi gue seneng, kerna ternyata apa yang gue pikir selama ini salah. gue seneng, bahwa pikiran gue ternyata ga jadi kenyataan. bahwa harapan gue ternyata masih bisa gue sambung... gue "nemuin" dia!!. "sorry dja, ..gue baru recover dari luka hidup. gue ga ilang koq. gue hanya butuh waktu istirahat beberapa hari yang lalu. ini gue.. gue masih hidup..." jeezz... sekian lamanya kamu menghilang... SELAMAT DATANG!! Friday, July 05, 2002
mana yang lebih baik: punya situs baik yang ga diupdate atau punya situs biasa aja tapi diupdate terus? well, gue biasanya akan milih: punya situs yang baik dan diupdate terus! huahahaha... dasar! mmm... tapi sekarang gue jadi sadar, bagaimana rasanya, bagaimana repotnya, dan bagaimana perihnya mata [hehehe] menghadapi "bahasa dewa html" setiap hari kalo mo ngupdate terus suatu situs web. dan gue kayanya gifap deh [baca: give up, dul!] huah! mangkanya gue harus memutuskan di antara dua pilihan di atas. mmm... kayanya yang kedua aja kali ya? jadi sekarang, webpage gue tinggal sebentar, dan gue sibuk meng-update weblog gue aja. lumayan ga bikin kesel mata kerna toh udah ada cgi-bin nya. tinggal ganti warna ato font, cukup... lumayan, lah. lagian, ini agak "bahasa manusia" dikit dibandingin bahasa dewa html kaya web. lumayan... bener-bener lumayan deh! mmm... niwey, gue mo coba ngupdate link-link di webpage gue lagi. mudah-mudahan mata gue ga terlalu panas ngeliat html di mana-mana... haha! |